Grief…life’s struggles…& Gods redemption
Grief…
life’s struggles…
& Gods redemption…
I never would have thought I would be writing a blog post about my father’s passing. I never thought when I lost him that I’d be 29, about to celebrate my engagement, about to turn 30, or soon years to come, getting married and have my first baby, his first grandchild.
Without going into too much detail about my father’s life (to honor his passing), the thing to know is, he was sick for a long time.
Growing up he was the best daddy to me. He was so fun, so smart, so wise and taught me everything under the sun. I loved him with every piece of me. I was his only child, only daughter and the apple of his eye. He was proud of everything I did. And I was honored to be his. Memories on memories flood my mind, how could I possibly write them all down without taking away from any of them. Explaining pure, unconditional, love and joy just can’t be done. It’s too beautiful to put words to. But that was my childhood and that’s how living it with him made me feel.
As I got older, life’s challenges took its toll on my family. Again, without going into too much detail, there were times more difficult than you can imagine. The grief of watching your father suffer is, again, nothing you can really put words to. Amongst other things, he suffered from pulmonary fibrosis of the lungs. He never wanted to let on to the things he truly struggled with. He chose to hide behind it in many ways. And you could say, as I got older, I knew I wouldn’t have him as long as I hoped. Experiencing my father’s struggles as a teenager dictated a lot of the experiences I would have for years to come. I was hurting, lost, and trying so hard to find happiness…in all the wrong places.
I think it is also important to mention, because it is a huge part of my family’s story, that my mother almost passed away when I was 21. She had a brain aneurysm that had a 90% chance of taking her life. More grief…
Not only was my dad struggling, but my mother (by the mercy of God) was healing from a life changing event. All three of us were on quite a journey…and it wasn’t easy.
But at 29, my mother and I, were about to walk into a chapter we didn’t expect to come so soon.
To lose a parent is, to say the least, is excruciating. To lose a father who struggled and suffered for most of your life, fills your soul with all kinds of emotions.
As much as it pained me to watch him suffer for so long, I was hanging onto every moment I had with him. Because I was daddy’s little girl.
Those last days with him in the hospital were, let’s just say, awful. My heart was broken. My husband (boyfriend at the time) would watch me fall to the ground in anguish yearning for my father. My mother would hear me cry myself to sleep, begging for my daddy, the night he passed away. And the days to come didn’t lessen up, at least not right away. Because…I had to grieve, whether I liked it or not. And trust me, I hated it.
It was two years this February since I lost my dad. Time was the best medicine. There are still moments I can’t look at his pictures without my heart breaking that he is gone. But every day after he passed got better. I still remember the first time I played music in my car again or got on Instagram or turned on the TV. You realize when you lose a parent how pointless all those things are. And how important family, forgiveness, and time with them is. Grief is filled with all kinds of journeys. Sometimes you’re so sad, sometimes you remember all the good things, sometimes you remember all the bad, sometimes you’re mad at them they’re not here, sometimes you’re begging God they can hear you or to tell them you miss them. Sometimes you regret everything and sometimes you realize there was nothing you could have done differently. And on the good days, you’re just relieved they’re no longer suffering.
The thing with my mom and I is, we still have time here. My dad, on the other hand, has time with God.
That’s the most important thing I have learned through all this. On this side of life, He needed rescuing. As much as I wish (when my grief is really bad) that he had the chance to heal here, I KNOW, he is made complete now in Heaven. And the healing he has experienced there is nothing we would experience Earth side.
AND he is closer to me now, and more present to me now, than he ever was before. He is even more of a father now, then he ever was before. And really cool…He knew of my daughters existence even before I did.
I have learned through my life that grief will come and go. We’re not in Heaven here, so suffering will exist. BUT with God, I have witnessed, if we let it, a redemption in our lives could happen like we never imagined.
So much healing has come to my mother and I. And we know we still have so much life to live, so much to learn and so much to do. I think God my father is with Him so we have my dad looking over us, praying for us and loving us.
If you have experienced grief, you’re not alone. If you have lost someone close to you that you never imagined losing and you feel alone, I promise you’re not. My heart is with anyone suffering, struggling, anyone who has lost someone or anyone grieving.
God can do great things through horrible situations. I pray you feel His presence helping you through.
Although my dad has missed many big milestones in my life by now, I do know, he’s closer than ever. I pray you who are reading this gets to experience that peace too.
Lots of love,
Allie <3
